I am all you've ever wanted. (nfg4evergirl182) wrote,
I am all you've ever wanted.

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i highly doubt anyone will want to read this crap

I'm sorry, but I am beginning to hate myself. Things are just sinking in. Things that I do and have done that just make me realize how much of a total jackass I am. And I apologize for that. I'm an intruder, and interrupter, and ruiner of fun.

and every new person i meet, just give me the strangest looks. like they could see something horrible that i couldn't. don't worry, it's beginning to appear to me.

and i'm just sitting here, longing for any sort of love. not just the kinds that keep occuring in dreams with different people i call my friends. i want something real with someone real. i don't even know who yet. i hope i find out pretty soon.

and my Trich is going haywire again. my eyebrows look ridiculous, and i can't help myself. i think have bald spots on the top of my head again. please don't hate me for this.

and why the fuck do i always end up crying when i write stuff in this thing. i don't even have anything to cry about. i'm just a pussy.

and you said the one line last night that made me want to scream at the top of my lungs. you reminded me of my father. for a moment there, i wanted to attack you. but it's not your fault. you didn't try to. you didn't want to make me momentarily hate you.

i parted my hair on the other side today. i guess i want a change in my look. maybe i'm trying to hide my face, or myself even more.

and i'm beginning to slack. doing half of my homework then telling my dad i'm done. i did all of the classes i have before lunch, so hopefully i will finish the rest at lunch. most likely not, though.

and everyone leads such interesting lives, and don't really know what they want. they just float around, doing cool things and meeting cool people; but me, i KNOW the things i want, and i try so hard to get them, and i never ever EVER do. maybe i'm trying too hard, but that's all i know how to do.

and i kinda just let things fade away. i let them slip into the shadows, and just forget about them until they appear again. that's not a good thing.

and my room is a mess. i just can't clean it. i have no time anymore, and my mom has been on my back about it. she won't be happy to find out i didn't do it today. the only time i could do it is right now, and i can't. i need to relax and not worry about stuff right now. i'm sure livejournal is really helping with that. yeah fucking right.

i sent maggie her letter a little while back, so now i'm waiting for one from her.

nothing hurts more than cutting the back of your knee, or the inside of your elbow. it just stings so fucking bad.

i'm in such a blah mood that it's disgusting. i just want to get excited or look forward to something.
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